Mindful Self Compassion 8 week course

 Remember that if your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete. 

~ Jack Kornfield 

Are you kinder and more caring to others than you are to yourself? 

How would it be to learn to treat yourself as you would a good friend? 

Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) is an empirically-supported, internationally recognized, structured well-being program that is based on the ground-breaking research of psychologist Kristin Neff and the clinical expertise of psychologist Christopher Germer.

Research shows that MSC

• Reduces stress and anxiety
• Enhances emotional well-being 
• Promotes resilience 
• Helps people clarify core values & develop resources to live in tune with them 
• Fosters healthy, positive relationships 

MSC builds resilience and emotional well- being and reduces anxiety, depression and stress.

An 8- week MSC course plus half day retreat is a comprehensive program that consists of up to 40 practices and key exercises, group discussion and reflection. It explores mindfulness and self-compassion via self-reflective exercises, small and large group discussions, and activities in a safe and supportive environment. No meditation experience is required. 

Courses being offered in person in Port Elliot and online using zoom. Both starting in April 2021.

Have a look at Dr. Chris Germer being interviewed about Mindful Self Compassion

Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we give to others. 

~ Christopher Germer, Ph.D. 

Self Compassion in Relationships

Much of our suffering arises in relationship with others, as we are all different, have differing opinions and needs and life experiences that shape who we are. There are two types of relational pain; one is the pain that arises when someone you care about is suffering (pain of connection), the other comes from experiencing loss or rejection and feeling hurt, angry or alone (pain of disconnection).

Downward Spiral of Negative Emotions 

 Our capacity for emotional resonance means that emotions are contagious. Our brains communicate emotions to one another and this is regardless about how carefully we might choose our words.  For example, if some- if you are annoyed with your partner, and you try to hide it your partner or friend can still pick up on your feeling of being annoyed and might even ask, “ Are you angry at me?” Even if you deny it, they will feel the irritation, which will affect their mood and their tone of voice. You then feel this, in turn, so you become more annoyed, and your responses will have a harsher tone, and so it goes on. Other people are partly responsible for our state of mind, and we are also partly responsible for their state of mind.

Close Connections with Others start with Feeling Connected to Ourselves

Self- compassion can interrupt a downward spiral and an upward spiral can start instead. If we can direct positive feelings of compassion to ourselves for the pain we are feeling in the moment, this will also be felt by another- and will show in our tone of voice and subtle facial expressions- and help to interrupt the negative cycle. Cultivating self- compassion is one of the best things we can do for our relationship interactions as well as for ourselves. When we meet our own needs of love and acceptance, we can place fewer needs on our partners, allowing them to be more fully themselves. Self- compassion gives us the resilience we need to build and sustain healthy relationships in our lives. Research shows self- compassionate people having happier and more satisfying romantic relationships, with partners being given more freedom and autonomy in their relationships.

EXERCISE: Self- Compassion Break in Relationship Conflicts

• Next time you are in a negative interaction with someone, try using the Self- Compassion Break. Start by saying silently to yourself: “ This is a moment of suffering” or “ This hurts”- saying something to acknowledge how you are feeling, then reflecting on the common humanity aspect saying “Suffering is part of any relationship” or “ There are others just like me”,  and then directing some kindness to yourself because of the pain you are feeling saying “ May I be kind to myself” or “ May I be strong”. It can help to use some kind of supportive touch, placing your hand on your heart or elsewhere, or using a subtle form of touch by holding your own hand and feeling the warmth.
• Before re-engaging with the other person, try practicing Giving and Receiving Compassion to maintain your caring attitude. Breathe in for yourself, acknowledging the pain you are feeling in the moment, then breathe out for the other. Make sure you fully validate your own pain and give yourself what you need as well as honouring the struggle of the other person.
• Notice how the state of mind of the other person may change as your own state of mind changes.

Procrastination

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment."       Robert Benchley

Putting off doing things, even really important tasks that need to be done, is something we all do. Even when writing this blog there seemed to be a continuing list of other things that needed to be done first. 

So why do we procrastinate? 

There are different reasons we putting off doing things, sometimes it’s that we don’t want to do ‘unpleasant’ tasks and sometimes it can because there’s a fear of failure so if i don’t attempt it then there is no failure or criticism (often self- based).

Unpleasantness

Some tasks are just repetitive and boring for example doing the housework, doing paperwork, Anything that you find you have just have to keep doing and it seems endless.

And sometimes it can be that you just don’l like working and you’re generally unmotivated. Social media can be a great distraction and it doesn’t require you to expend much energy.

Its natural to want to relax and avoid unpleasantness. Putting off some tasks is not necessarily a problem unless it ends up causing more stress in your life because some things that need to be done aren’t being done. Anyone who has studied and realised the due date for the assignment you have yet to start is the following day will know the stress this causes. 

Fear of Failure

Sometimes it’s just that the task you find the task boring- maybe your are not interested in the topic your assignment is about but sometimes it could be there are underlying feelings if fear that come up when thinking about taking on something new. We can be daunted by the possibility of failure, self- criticism and feelings of unworthiness.  Because we often try to avoid unpleasant emotions then procrastinating is a way we can tune out. 

However, sometimes unconsciously we sabotage ourselves so that by not giving ourselves enough time to get the assignment in but the due date, we blame our failure on having had enough time to do to well and so we avoid feeling unworthy or not good enough. 

If we do this all the time with new tasks or projects then we really limit the extent to which we can reach our full potential.

What can help? 

If you find that you habitually procrastinate when faced with doing things you don’t want to do, it can help to go the emotion underlying your resistance. We often avoid thinking about unwanted tasks because it makes us feel uncomfortable.

Learning the skill of having self- compassion for yourself - to be kind, gentle and understanding to yourself instead  of being self- critical in times of stress can help.

In the words of Kristin Neff an author of many books on self- compassion “comfort the scared little child inside of you who doesn’t want to venture into the dark unknown, assuring him or her that you’ll be there to provide support along the way. And then see if you can take the plunge. As we all know from experience, the worst part of dealing with a difficult task is often drawing up the courage to start”.

Have a look at this short talk given by Kristen Neff on self-compassion. It’s only 6 minutes.

The pain of losing a loved one.

“Major losses are the most personal and emotional happenings that we can experience.” (Harvey)

Losing a loved one through death, divorce, or separation; losing our health or mobility through illness or accident;  or losing our job are on some way similar to losing part of ourselves: the self we were before the loss- we feel the pain of the losing something that was intimately connected to our lives, whether it was good or bad. We  wonder why? why me? why them? We think ‘its not fair’, ‘What did I/ they do wrong?’ 

Out of balance 

Recently I attended a funeral. The news of the death of friend’s husband came as a shock, it was unexpected, it brought disbelief and great sadness. He was not that old. It made me think of my own mortality and meaning of life. For some attending the funeral it was even more difficult bringing back memories and feelings of the loss of their own loved one. Some can find they are not yet ready to revisit - it’s just too painful, the wounds of grief are not healed enough, not yet. Grief is a normal response to loss but it affects our whole being- our feelings, thoughts, attitudes, behaviour with others, even our health and bodily symptoms are affected, every aspect of our life is thrown out of balance. We ask ourselves, “Are these feelings and emotions normal?" "Am i going crazy?”

Fish in the sea

Life is not going to be same again. We feel pain, hurt, loss. There’s a sense of aloneness and abandonment.

We find things to distract us, we can travel, drink alcohol excessively, use drugs, and make sure we are busy- anything to block and avoid the pain we feel. We wonder how we will cope and what to do. Well- meaning  friends tell us,  “You’ll get over it”, “ You need to move on”, “There’s more fish in the sea”,  “Time heals all’, ‘You’ll be ok”, “Be strong”. 

And what if we don’t openly expressing our grief then others say, “Are they alright?”

Does it end?

The healing process can’t be hurried, there is no simple formula, no escape, it’s a personal journey that takes time and patience, toward learning to accept and live with the loss, even make meaning of it, not for closure but to be able to assimilate and accomodate to the loss. Grief will always be present but as the pain lessens the waves of grief will come less often and will be less powerful.

"The pain returns, but I can remember the in- between times better". (adult widow)

Some counselling techniques I've used to assist the healing process.

Secrets of the Heart

This exercise was used as a way to continue to feel a connection to our loved one through writing a short note to our loved one about our thoughts or feelings of love, speaking from our heart. An origami heart was made and the note placed inside. The heart can be carried with us in our wallet or kept somewhere special.

Mindfulness

Learning to practice the skill of mindfulness can allow grief to be experienced with less struggle and attempts at escape. Your attention can be brought to focus on bodily sensations, such as the experience of sitting, parts of the body supported by the chair, the floor, your breath.  Attention can also be taken outward to notice the taste of your food, the sound of a bird, the colour of the sky, a breeze or sensations in your feet as you walk. Paying attention to pleasant and unpleasant experiences can be grounding, give you a moment, however momentary, to directly experience being alive, in a relationship with the surrounding environment, to unwind and be open to a new way of being with yourself and others.

Letter Writing

Some clients, as a homework exercise, have been encouraged to write a letter to their loved one, telling them how they felt about losing them and how they are going now  In the following session the client has read out part of the letter or just talked about how it was to write the letter and if there were any insights they wanted to share. The client is then asked to write a letter from the loved one in response to the initial letter. This way feeling are expressed and become more integrated. 

“ Grief is the price we pay for being able to love the way we do” 

Introduction to Expressive Arts Therapy

“We use the arts to let go, to express, and to release" - Natalie Rogers

Have you ever been told to just, stop those negative thoughts, think positively and you’ll be fine?!

By changing your mindset you can change your behaviour and vice versa. Sure that does work, for a time, go out and get some exercise, take note of all the things that you’re grateful for and you’ll feel better. But our well-being not only depends on positive thoughts and making the right behaviour choices, but it is also effective by the emotions we feel and often we are not aware of those emotions.

They can be held deep in our unconscious or even blocked as a protective mechanism. Before we can address our thoughts that are causing us distress / problems we need to get in touch with and release your emotions that have such a powerful effect on us.

By involving the body, mind and the emotions in a healing process, our intuitive and imaginative abilities can be brought forth as well as our logical, linear thought process. Emotional states are not often logical, so the use of imagery and non verbal modes can allow an alternative path to self exploration and communication.

This process is a powerful integrative force.

You may like to express yourself through writing, movement or art, some people like use imagery, choosing your own colours, medium and symbols as a language that speaks from your unconscious and which has particular meaning for you. This allows you to discover unknown aspects of your self and gain greater awareness of self knowledge. 

You discover, experience and accept unknown aspects of yourself which help you go beyond your problems to seeing yourself constructively taking action in the world.

You might start to feel stressed and your blood pressure rises when people start to talk you in a very angry tone about a situation or start to direct their anger at you. One technique that I’ve found that can help, is an activity called Finding Peace.

Activity: Finding Peace

Step 1: You create a symbolic representation on a large piece of paper of an unpleasant situation that you can’t change.  

• For example you could draw people yelling at you at work

Step 2: Then you create in another image, elements that provide some peace with the circumstance

• For example you could draw people speaking kindly to you at work

Step 3: This image can provide a sense of well-being and you can bring it to mind when you’re feeling overwhelmed or the situation is troubling you.

You might gain insight into ideas for how to approach the situation by going through this process.

Expressive Arts Therapy with Natalie Rogers