Remember that if your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.
~ Jack Kornfield
Are you kinder and more caring to others than you are to yourself?
How would it be to learn to treat yourself as you would a good friend?
Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) is an empirically-supported, internationally recognized, structured well-being program that is based on the ground-breaking research of psychologist Kristin Neff and the clinical expertise of psychologist Christopher Germer.
Research shows that MSC
Reduces stress and anxiety
Enhances emotional well-being
Promotes resilience
Helps people clarify core values & develop resources to live in tune with them
Fosters healthy, positive relationships
MSC builds resilience and emotional well- being and reduces anxiety, depression and stress.
An 8- week MSC course plus half day retreat is a comprehensive program that consists of up to 40 practices and key exercises, group discussion and reflection. It explores mindfulness and self-compassion via self-reflective exercises, small and large group discussions, and activities in a safe and supportive environment. No meditation experience is required.
Courses being offered in person in Port Elliot and online using zoom. Both starting in April 2021.
Have a look at Dr. Chris Germer being interviewed about Mindful Self Compassion
Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we give to others.
Much of our suffering arises in relationship with others, as we are all different, have differing opinions and needs and life experiences that shape who we are. There are two types of relational pain; one is the pain that arises when someone you care about is suffering (pain of connection), the other comes from experiencing loss or rejection and feeling hurt, angry or alone (pain of disconnection).
Downward Spiral of Negative Emotions
Our capacity for emotional resonance means that emotions are contagious. Our brains communicate emotions to one another and this is regardless about how carefully we might choose our words.For example, if some- if you are annoyed with your partner, and you try to hide it your partner or friend can still pick up on your feeling of being annoyed and might even ask, “ Are you angry at me?” Even if you deny it, they will feel the irritation, which will affect their mood and their tone of voice. You then feel this, in turn, so you become more annoyed, and your responses will have a harsher tone, and so it goes on. Other people are partly responsible for our state of mind, and we are also partly responsible for their state of mind.
Close Connections with Others start with Feeling Connected to Ourselves
Self- compassion can interrupt a downward spiral and an upward spiral can start instead. If we can direct positive feelings of compassion to ourselves for the pain we are feeling in the moment, this will also be felt by another- and will show in our tone of voice and subtle facial expressions- and help to interrupt the negative cycle. Cultivating self- compassion is one of the best things we can do for our relationship interactions as well as for ourselves. When we meet our own needs of love and acceptance, we can place fewer needs on our partners, allowing them to be more fully themselves. Self- compassion gives us the resilience we need to build and sustain healthy relationships in our lives. Research shows self- compassionate people having happier and more satisfying romantic relationships, with partners being given more freedom and autonomy in their relationships.
EXERCISE: Self- Compassion Break in Relationship Conflicts
Next time you are in a negative interaction with someone, try using the Self- Compassion Break. Start by saying silently to yourself: “ This is a moment of suffering” or “ This hurts”- saying something to acknowledge how you are feeling, then reflecting on the common humanity aspect saying “Suffering is part of any relationship” or “ There are others just like me”,and then directing some kindness to yourself because of the pain you are feeling saying “ May I be kind to myself” or “ May I be strong”. It can help to use some kind of supportive touch, placing your hand on your heart or elsewhere, or using a subtle form of touch by holding your own hand and feeling the warmth.
Before re-engaging with the other person, try practicing Giving and Receiving Compassion to maintain your caring attitude. Breathe in for yourself, acknowledging the pain you are feeling in the moment, then breathe out for the other. Make sure you fully validate your own pain and give yourself what you need as well as honouring the struggle of the other person.
Notice how the state of mind of the other person may change as your own state of mind changes.
“The extent to which two people in a relationship can bring up and resolve issues is a critical marker of the soundness of a relationship.”
– Henry Cloud
Relationships are not easy
We all want to feel happy and feel loved. However, we know from science that opposites attract, so often couples can have quite different ways of thinking and behaving. Each can have different background experiences that influence their way of thinking and acting, and then there is just the flow of life, with the good and not so good times that test out relationships.
Often couples come to counselling as a last resort wondering if their marriage can be saved. There’s often a lot of tension, anger and frustration expressed as each feels not heard or understood.
Some counsellorsare hesitant to work with couples. I find the combination of using expressive arts, mindfulness and self compassion as well as some psychotherapy to explore early childhood experiences and intergenerational patterns to be an effective approach to help with relationship issues. I usually see each of the couple individually first to get their story and then see both together and following that some individual and joint sessions as needed.
A picture says a 1000 words
When there is anger and frustration it can difficult to just use words to explain what is happening.
In joint counselling sessions I've found that having each person create a visual picture using symbols/ miniatures that each chooses to represent different times and aspects of their relationship can bring about common understanding as to what the other person is thinking and wanting in a way that words alone could not do.
“What we resist persists”
Mindfulness and self- compassion also help to transform many of our personal relationships for the better. But it does require allowing the inevitable pain in the relationship to be felt and known.
The instinct to push away pain is hardwired. We don’t like pain and discomfort so we try to get rid of it using different means- ignoring it, fighting it, numbing it out. However, fighting what we are uneasy about only makes things worse.The more we accept anxiety, physical discomfort, and the pain of disconnection, the better off we will be. It’s said “When you resist something it goes to the basement and lifts weights!” The more we can try to remain open to emotional pain and breath kindness and gentleness into it the more we can discover the transformative power of self- compassion.
When we are in conflict with another we can become absorbed in the struggle to be seen by the other and seek validation for the pain the other has caused. If we can redirect our attention and compassionately respond to our own suffering first and then listen to our partner's suffering this is a better way forward.
Intergenerational patterns - "happy genes" account for half our happiness, circumstances - 10% and 40% is based on intentional activity.
How we treat ourselves depends in part of how we were treated as children. Being aware of how our past experiences have shaped us, helps to get in contact with the deeper meaning of our present day experience.Knowing the details of our lives can help us come to know and accept our core emotional habits and how they’ve played out in our lives.
The influence of both genetics and a difficult childhood can be softened if we relate to moment to moment experience with more mindfulness and greater compassion.
To be happy in a relationship the pain buried in our heart, mind and body needs to seen, heard and understood not only by another but by ourselves. This means that occasionally we many need to put aside our own needs and validate the experience of the other. Self compassion for yourselves and others is a vital ingredient in maintaining a healthy relationship.
The self- compassion break is a short meditation that you might like to try.
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”– Carl Jung
