Relationship counselling

“The extent to which two people in a relationship can bring up and resolve issues is a critical marker of the soundness of a relationship.”

– Henry Cloud

Relationships are not easy 

We all want to feel happy and feel loved. However, we know from science that opposites attract, so often couples can have quite different ways of thinking and behaving. Each can have different background experiences that influence their way of thinking and acting, and then there is just the flow of life, with the good and not so good times that test out relationships.

Often couples come to counselling as a last resort wondering if their marriage can be saved. There’s often a lot of tension, anger and frustration expressed as each feels not heard or understood.

Some counsellors  are hesitant to work with couples. I find the combination of using expressive arts, mindfulness and self compassion as well as some psychotherapy to explore early childhood experiences and intergenerational patterns to be an effective approach to help with relationship issues. I usually see each of the couple individually first to get their story and then see both together and following that some individual and joint sessions as needed.

A picture says a 1000 words 

When there is anger and frustration it can difficult to just use words to explain what is happening. 

In joint counselling sessions I've found that having each person create a visual picture using symbols/ miniatures that each chooses to represent different times and aspects of their relationship can bring about common understanding as to what the other person is thinking and wanting in a way that words alone could not do.

“What we resist persists”

Mindfulness and self- compassion also help to transform many of our personal relationships for the better.  But it does require allowing the inevitable pain in the relationship to be felt and known. 

The instinct to push away pain is hardwired. We don’t like pain and discomfort so we try to get rid of it using different means- ignoring it, fighting it, numbing it out. However, fighting what we are uneasy about only makes things worse.  The more we accept anxiety, physical discomfort, and the pain of disconnection, the better off we will be. It’s said “When you resist something it goes to the basement and lifts weights!” The more we can try to remain open to emotional pain and breath kindness and gentleness into it the more we can discover the transformative power of self- compassion.

When we are in conflict with another we can become absorbed in the struggle to be seen by the other and seek validation for the pain the other has caused. If we can redirect our attention and compassionately respond to our own suffering first  and then listen to our partner's suffering this is a better way forward.

Intergenerational patterns - "happy genes" account for half our happiness, circumstances - 10%  and 40% is based on intentional activity.

How we treat ourselves depends in part of how we were treated as children. Being aware of how our past experiences have shaped us, helps to get in contact with the deeper meaning of our present day experience.  Knowing the details of our lives can help us come to know and accept our core emotional habits and how they’ve played out in our lives. 

The influence of both genetics and a difficult childhood can be softened if we relate to moment to moment experience with more mindfulness and greater compassion.

To be happy in a relationship the pain buried in our heart, mind and body needs to seen, heard and understood not only by another but by ourselves. This means that occasionally we many need to put aside our own needs and validate the experience of the other. Self compassion for yourselves and others is a vital ingredient in maintaining a healthy relationship.

The self- compassion break is a short meditation that you might like to try.

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”– Carl Jung

Testimonials

Bronwyn has been a great deal of help to me over the past few months. With her counsel I was able to work through and understand a difficult situation that has troubled me for years.  Her methods, compassion, listening skills, and empathy are a huge resource and benefit.  Using qigong, mindfulness and meditation was the perfect way to end a consultation leaving me in a calm and peaceful state.  I was very grateful to Bronwyn that she was able to travel to me, as I am unable to drive.  I can and do highly recommend Bronwyn as a counsellor and am very thankful for all that she has done for me.

Middle aged female client – June 2018

Bronwyn's counselling has a gentle approach but with a strong applicable outcome.

The method used can appear to be 'playful', nevertheless inwardly it has a serious point. Together this leads to a non-judgemental understanding and the healing sets in. There is nothing to worry or to be concerned about. Such a natural stress relief and letting go of distorted past memories has empowered me to move on with my life. And doing only the sessions that are needed, are a bonus as well.

Middle aged male client – December 2017

After attending only 5 Counselling sessions with Bronwyn in 2017 my mental health had improved. I credit this to her unique approach of combining art therapies with the more traditional talking therapy. Stimulating both the intuitive and rational sides of my brain. Her insightful questions and eco-mapping of my family history also helped me to understand myself better. I would recommend this to anyone, as no artistic skill is necessary, and her approach is considerate and flexible.

Middle aged male client – September 2017

At my first meeting with Bronwyn in March she quickly identified the potential reason for my acute onset of anxiety.

She knew nothing about me however could see the distress I was in and offered to support and guide me through my distress.

I immediately felt comfortable, safe and secure with Bronwyn and started my sessions 2 days later. After 3 sessions with Bronwyn she helped me overcome and rid myself of the anxiety using mindfulness, meditation, homework sessions and more importantly creating a family tree. The family tree helped me to understand why my anxiety had suddenly presented itself without warning.Bronwyn has been very supportive and is a compassionate, caring, empathetic and understanding lady.

Thank you Bronwyn, so very much appreciated.

Middle aged female client – June 2017

I met Bronwyn when I was at a very low ebb. I had just lost my husband…, my best friend too,  after nearly 50 years of marriage and felt so alone. As my grief counsellor she visited me weekly for ten weeks and it was a big help. I also kept a diary which also helped me. Thank you. 

Elderly female client  April 2016

Counselling took away a lot of stress, depression, anxiety and I became more observant and happier. Counselling helped me find out how I should handle things and it was good to talk about how I feel. 

Teenage female- November 2016

Counselling helped me realise what I was thinking.

Teenager male – November 2016

Sandplay Therapy

“ Often the hands will solve a mystery that the intellect has struggled with in vain.” C.G Jung

Currently I’m half way through a Certificate in Sandplay Therapy being run by the Expressive Therapies Institute of Australia and am finding it to be a simple but powerful and profound approach that facilitates the psyche’s natural capacity for healing.  

What is Sandplay Therapy? is it just for children?

" A basic premise of Sandplay Therapy is that deep in the unconscious there is a natural tendency for the psyche to heal itself, given the right conditions.”                 Estelle Weinrib

A Sandplay session begins by engaging with the sand in a tray, letting the hands experience the sand and allowing them to move as they wish. Then you are invited to select some symbols or miniatures displayed on shelves in the room that you are drawn to or attracted to. These symbols are placed in the sandtray to create a picture or story. Reflective questions are asked about the picture and symbols and each symbol is seen to be unlimited in its meaning. Recently one of symbols represented a variety of the big cats to different clients, either being  a cheetah, a leopard, a panther or a tiger each with its own qualities and strengths as described by each client.

 Sandplay lets the parts of you that have no voice a chance to say

Many sandplay clients at first feel hesitant and uncertain when presented with a tray and shelves of symbols or miniatures. When they are creating a picture in the tray they will often comment "I have no idea what i am doing”. This is completely fine as it actually indicates that the ego is nolonger in charge, and gives opportunity for the unconscious to express itself. This is an extremely beneficial aspect of the process. Unconscious contents are activated and flow out onto an object. But they do not flow all the way out into the real world where they often become lost. They become captured in the personal world of the sand tray picture and are a unique statement of the client’s.

“ Sand pictures represent figures and landscapes of the inner and outer worlds and they appear to mediate between and connect these two worlds.”                                                Dora Kalff

Sand play is a non directive therapy it allows free expression, free creation-  there is no right or wrong way as to how you respond or what is created. There is no interpretation given by the therapist as to what the symbols might mean and symbols are not touched or shifted by the therapist. Reflective questions are asked in an invitational way and there are large amounts of pause time and silence. It is a very respectful process allowing the inner healer to be expressed.

Adults as well as children find it to be effective and it is used in welfare agencies, schools, hospitals and drug and alcohol  rehabilitation centres and in counselling and psychology practices.

In this Youtube clip my Sandplay Therapy trainer describes the process of Sandplay for a training course she offered in the Czech Republic in early 2017.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFPD-71sL0w 

The pain of losing a loved one.

“Major losses are the most personal and emotional happenings that we can experience.” (Harvey)

Losing a loved one through death, divorce, or separation; losing our health or mobility through illness or accident;  or losing our job are on some way similar to losing part of ourselves: the self we were before the loss- we feel the pain of the losing something that was intimately connected to our lives, whether it was good or bad. We  wonder why? why me? why them? We think ‘its not fair’, ‘What did I/ they do wrong?’ 

Out of balance 

Recently I attended a funeral. The news of the death of friend’s husband came as a shock, it was unexpected, it brought disbelief and great sadness. He was not that old. It made me think of my own mortality and meaning of life. For some attending the funeral it was even more difficult bringing back memories and feelings of the loss of their own loved one. Some can find they are not yet ready to revisit - it’s just too painful, the wounds of grief are not healed enough, not yet. Grief is a normal response to loss but it affects our whole being- our feelings, thoughts, attitudes, behaviour with others, even our health and bodily symptoms are affected, every aspect of our life is thrown out of balance. We ask ourselves, “Are these feelings and emotions normal?" "Am i going crazy?”

Fish in the sea

Life is not going to be same again. We feel pain, hurt, loss. There’s a sense of aloneness and abandonment.

We find things to distract us, we can travel, drink alcohol excessively, use drugs, and make sure we are busy- anything to block and avoid the pain we feel. We wonder how we will cope and what to do. Well- meaning  friends tell us,  “You’ll get over it”, “ You need to move on”, “There’s more fish in the sea”,  “Time heals all’, ‘You’ll be ok”, “Be strong”. 

And what if we don’t openly expressing our grief then others say, “Are they alright?”

Does it end?

The healing process can’t be hurried, there is no simple formula, no escape, it’s a personal journey that takes time and patience, toward learning to accept and live with the loss, even make meaning of it, not for closure but to be able to assimilate and accomodate to the loss. Grief will always be present but as the pain lessens the waves of grief will come less often and will be less powerful.

"The pain returns, but I can remember the in- between times better". (adult widow)

Some counselling techniques I've used to assist the healing process.

Secrets of the Heart

This exercise was used as a way to continue to feel a connection to our loved one through writing a short note to our loved one about our thoughts or feelings of love, speaking from our heart. An origami heart was made and the note placed inside. The heart can be carried with us in our wallet or kept somewhere special.

Mindfulness

Learning to practice the skill of mindfulness can allow grief to be experienced with less struggle and attempts at escape. Your attention can be brought to focus on bodily sensations, such as the experience of sitting, parts of the body supported by the chair, the floor, your breath.  Attention can also be taken outward to notice the taste of your food, the sound of a bird, the colour of the sky, a breeze or sensations in your feet as you walk. Paying attention to pleasant and unpleasant experiences can be grounding, give you a moment, however momentary, to directly experience being alive, in a relationship with the surrounding environment, to unwind and be open to a new way of being with yourself and others.

Letter Writing

Some clients, as a homework exercise, have been encouraged to write a letter to their loved one, telling them how they felt about losing them and how they are going now  In the following session the client has read out part of the letter or just talked about how it was to write the letter and if there were any insights they wanted to share. The client is then asked to write a letter from the loved one in response to the initial letter. This way feeling are expressed and become more integrated. 

“ Grief is the price we pay for being able to love the way we do” 

Mindfulness: Awareness of Thought

"I am not my thoughts, emotions, sense perceptions, and experiences.”  Eckhart Tolle

Am I who I think I am? 

There are so many thoughts going on in our mind all the time. We live in a constant stream of automatic, associative thoughts just like fish in living in water. Sometimes we find ourselves caught up in thinking about the past, fearing the future, comparing ourselves to others and being critical of others and ourselves. In fact, 47% of our waking life is spent thinking about what is not actually happening at the present moment. 

Our thoughts as seen to be ‘truths’ as to who we are and what will/ did happen. Thoughts can overwhelm us, confuse, frustrate and sadden us. We might wish there was a switch to turn “the noise machine in the head” OFF so to have some peace!

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.”  Eckhart Tolle

What to do with our thoughts?

 Our thoughts are just thoughts but they can feel very real. When we focus our attention on them we start to see then as if they are something solid, as factual.

Through the practice of mindfulness meditation, we can learn to recognise our thoughts without becoming lost in their content. This gives us the capacity to later choose what thoughts to engage with, and to have increasing access to present moment experience. Having an ability to choose is precious. Some thoughts are useful but many are repetitive and can stir up fear. When our thoughts are compelling, we can go into a trance and forget they are just thoughts and we start to take them as being reality. 

In mindfulness practice we learn to simply recognise that thinking is going on and then we relax, open, reconnect with our senses—relaxing back into awareness of our body, of our breath or chosen anchor. With practice over time, our lives become guided by the wisdom that “I am not my thoughts; I don’t have to believe my thoughts.”

Use of lovingkindness and forgiveness mindfulness practices

 Each time you are willing to slow down and recognise, oh, this is the trance of unworthiness… this is fear… this is hurt…this is judgment…, you are poised to de-condition the old habits and limiting self-beliefs that imprison your heart. Gradually, you’ll experience natural loving awareness as the truth of who you are, more than any story you ever told yourself about being “not good enough” or “basically flawed”.

By bringing a gentle allowing attention to the present moment, we are cultivating the respect and appreciation of lovingkindness. When we bring mindful presence to physical or emotional difficulty, our heart opens in compassion. Taking some time to practice the lovingkindness, forgiveness, and compassion meditations can be very helpful.

“ How you respond to the issue is the issue.”  Frankie Perez

I invite you to give yourself the gift of listening to this guided lovingkindness meditation lead by Tara Brach.

Introduction to Expressive Arts Therapy

“We use the arts to let go, to express, and to release" - Natalie Rogers

Have you ever been told to just, stop those negative thoughts, think positively and you’ll be fine?!

By changing your mindset you can change your behaviour and vice versa. Sure that does work, for a time, go out and get some exercise, take note of all the things that you’re grateful for and you’ll feel better. But our well-being not only depends on positive thoughts and making the right behaviour choices, but it is also effective by the emotions we feel and often we are not aware of those emotions.

They can be held deep in our unconscious or even blocked as a protective mechanism. Before we can address our thoughts that are causing us distress / problems we need to get in touch with and release your emotions that have such a powerful effect on us.

By involving the body, mind and the emotions in a healing process, our intuitive and imaginative abilities can be brought forth as well as our logical, linear thought process. Emotional states are not often logical, so the use of imagery and non verbal modes can allow an alternative path to self exploration and communication.

This process is a powerful integrative force.

You may like to express yourself through writing, movement or art, some people like use imagery, choosing your own colours, medium and symbols as a language that speaks from your unconscious and which has particular meaning for you. This allows you to discover unknown aspects of your self and gain greater awareness of self knowledge. 

You discover, experience and accept unknown aspects of yourself which help you go beyond your problems to seeing yourself constructively taking action in the world.

You might start to feel stressed and your blood pressure rises when people start to talk you in a very angry tone about a situation or start to direct their anger at you. One technique that I’ve found that can help, is an activity called Finding Peace.

Activity: Finding Peace

Step 1: You create a symbolic representation on a large piece of paper of an unpleasant situation that you can’t change.  

• For example you could draw people yelling at you at work

Step 2: Then you create in another image, elements that provide some peace with the circumstance

• For example you could draw people speaking kindly to you at work

Step 3: This image can provide a sense of well-being and you can bring it to mind when you’re feeling overwhelmed or the situation is troubling you.

You might gain insight into ideas for how to approach the situation by going through this process.

Expressive Arts Therapy with Natalie Rogers