Self Compassion in Relationships

Much of our suffering arises in relationship with others, as we are all different, have differing opinions and needs and life experiences that shape who we are. There are two types of relational pain; one is the pain that arises when someone you care about is suffering (pain of connection), the other comes from experiencing loss or rejection and feeling hurt, angry or alone (pain of disconnection).

Downward Spiral of Negative Emotions 

 Our capacity for emotional resonance means that emotions are contagious. Our brains communicate emotions to one another and this is regardless about how carefully we might choose our words.  For example, if some- if you are annoyed with your partner, and you try to hide it your partner or friend can still pick up on your feeling of being annoyed and might even ask, “ Are you angry at me?” Even if you deny it, they will feel the irritation, which will affect their mood and their tone of voice. You then feel this, in turn, so you become more annoyed, and your responses will have a harsher tone, and so it goes on. Other people are partly responsible for our state of mind, and we are also partly responsible for their state of mind.

Close Connections with Others start with Feeling Connected to Ourselves

Self- compassion can interrupt a downward spiral and an upward spiral can start instead. If we can direct positive feelings of compassion to ourselves for the pain we are feeling in the moment, this will also be felt by another- and will show in our tone of voice and subtle facial expressions- and help to interrupt the negative cycle. Cultivating self- compassion is one of the best things we can do for our relationship interactions as well as for ourselves. When we meet our own needs of love and acceptance, we can place fewer needs on our partners, allowing them to be more fully themselves. Self- compassion gives us the resilience we need to build and sustain healthy relationships in our lives. Research shows self- compassionate people having happier and more satisfying romantic relationships, with partners being given more freedom and autonomy in their relationships.

EXERCISE: Self- Compassion Break in Relationship Conflicts

• Next time you are in a negative interaction with someone, try using the Self- Compassion Break. Start by saying silently to yourself: “ This is a moment of suffering” or “ This hurts”- saying something to acknowledge how you are feeling, then reflecting on the common humanity aspect saying “Suffering is part of any relationship” or “ There are others just like me”,  and then directing some kindness to yourself because of the pain you are feeling saying “ May I be kind to myself” or “ May I be strong”. It can help to use some kind of supportive touch, placing your hand on your heart or elsewhere, or using a subtle form of touch by holding your own hand and feeling the warmth.
• Before re-engaging with the other person, try practicing Giving and Receiving Compassion to maintain your caring attitude. Breathe in for yourself, acknowledging the pain you are feeling in the moment, then breathe out for the other. Make sure you fully validate your own pain and give yourself what you need as well as honouring the struggle of the other person.
• Notice how the state of mind of the other person may change as your own state of mind changes.

Trauma

“Trauma is the most avoided, ignored, denied, misunderstood, and untreated cause of human suffering” Peter Levine in Healing Trauma

What is trauma ?

We often think of trauma as being something associated with experiencing a major catastrophe. However, it can also come from a series of less dramatic events experienced over time which can seem to be just ordinary everyday events . Unfortunately because our response to these ordinary events is less obvious we may not recognise it as being trauma. Nevertheless our nervous system is overwhelmed, our coping strategies don’t work and we’ve lost capacity to deal with things that we perceive to be life - threatening, and we are in fact traumatised. There may be just a subtle awareness of not feeling quite right, without realising that there’s been a gradual undermining of our self- esteem, our self confidence, feelings of well being and connection to life. Connection to ourselves, to our bodies, to our families, to others and the world around us is lost. Our choices are limited, we avoid certain feelings, people, places and situations. Our freedom is constricted and we lose vitality and potential for fulfilling future aspirations. 

Flipping the lid

Dr. Dan Siegel uses the hand as a model of the brain to help explain what is happening when we get traumatised. The arm is the spinal column, the wrist going up to the heel of the palm is the brain stem, the thumb is the limbic system and the four fingers bending to come over the thumb is the frontal cortex. The frontal cortex is the thinking and reasoning part of the brain and the brain stem and the limbic system work together to regulate arousal- fight, flight, freeze and emotions. In an integrated brain we are coping with the stresses that come along with the frontal cortex down regulating any messages about potential danger coming up from the limbic system, calming down the limbic system. However when we get traumatised there is a breakdown in communication between the limbic system and frontal cortex. When fear messages of danger come up from the limbic system and there isn’t a connection to the frontal cortex, we don’t calm down but instead flip our lid ! 

This happens more easily when we’ve been traumatised because our brain has become over activated to monitor for danger and is picking up on all sorts of triggers that could be interpreted as trouble when it’s not really so. The body is in a constant state of stress and reactivity. To make things worse, the stress chemical cortisol can destroy neurons when we are really frightened, particularly those effecting the more far reaching parts of the brain, so we lose contact more quickly and feel we are in living in that place of danger without a good way of dealing with it. We are at the mercy of a negativity bias that perceives threat, feels unsafe and doesn’t allow trust. We blame ourselves for not communicating well, for not being able to cope which cab result in addictive behaviour, avoidant ways as we try to self- sooth our troubled feelings of shame. Our suffering is intense.

Reconnecting

But it’s not our fault! It’s the way the nervous system responds to trauma. When we are in a constant state of arousal - the fight or flight response from our everyday stresses the sympathetic nervous system dominates over the parasympathetic system, the chi or energy in the body is blocked, it isn’t flowing to rest, restore and heal and we feel overwhelmed and exhausted. 

Mindfulness can help!

The frontal cortex is actually the site of mindfulness, of the whole compassion network, or morality and perspective.A loving kindness and compassion mindfulness meditation practice  can create a biochemical shift, reducing the sympathetic nervous system and allowing the parasympathetic system to restore clam to the body and mind. You can feel safe, happy at peace.

Grounding helps too!

Trauma disconnects us from our bodies . Grounding and centering reconnects you with resources available to you in your body.

Simply feeling the feet on the floor, becoming visually aware of what you can hear, see, smell, right at the moment- being present all helps. The breath also can be used to quiet and calm down the nervous system by taking a long deep breath in and a slow long exhale.

“The RAIN of self- compassion”

Recognize what is going on;

Allow the experience to be there, just as it is;

Investigate with interest and care;

Nourish with self-compassion.

Tara Brach

In this just over 2 minute video clip Dr. Dan Siegel demonstrates the concept of flipping your lid

Further information on healing trauma 

https://www.tarabrach.com/healing-trauma/

Neuroplasticity

Neuroplasticity- Monumental implications

I’ve been reading Norman Doidge’s book “The brain that changes itself” and have to agree with a reviewer from The Times who commented ‘Doidge has identified a tidal shift in basic science and a potential one in medicine. The implications are monumental’.

So what is it all about? What does it mean for us?

For years scientists have viewed the brain as being like machine with localised parts performing specific tasks and if one part was damaged then that function/task was no longer able to be carried out by the body. For example , if you had a stroke that lead to you having difficulty using your left arm then the part of the brain that controlled that movement was “ broken” and could no longer be used.

But now neuroplasticity has been discovered. Neuro is for neuron, the nerve cells in our brain and body and plasticity is  for changeable, malleable or modifiable. The term neuroplasticity refers to the brain being able to change its own structure and function through THOUGHT and ACTIVITY- revolutionising ways of treatment! So when one part of a brain becomes damaged it can reorganise itself so another part can take over, brain cells that have died can be replaced and new brain circuits or new neural pathways can be built and created that can change the way we respond to things.

Shift a boulder with a toothpick?

No doubt there’s been times when you’ve held onto a belief or thought that troubles you and even though you’ve ‘known ‘ or had an ‘awareness’ that the thought was irrational it still sticks. It can seem like there are two parts to your mind, one that says ‘ no’ and the other that says ‘yes’ that belief is true!  You might worry that you won’t be able to … pass the exam/ give a public talk/ learn a new dance…. even though logically you’ve done all these things before so why should it be any different this time ?!  And if anyone does try to convince you of thinking otherwise by appealing to logical reasoning that still  doesn’t help, in fact it’s said to be like ‘ trying to shift a boulder with a toothpick’!  It can actually work in the opposite way, making you want to hold on to the belief even more tightly,  fearing that something that you own is under threat and at risk of being taken away. Brain scans actually show that when a person hears information that disproves a belief of theirs, instead of their brain's cognitive centres lighting up (like you might expect), the emotional centres become active instead. So, our first instinct on hearing information that disproves our own beliefs is to rally our defences against that new information.

Struggling in Quicksand?

We can try very hard to get rid of these thoughts and feelings. A part of us is saying they are irrational and I’ll just try to logic them away. But trying to control these strong beliefs and thoughts is like being stuck in quicksand, where the immediate impulse is to struggle and fight to get out.  But that’s exactly what you mustn’t do in quicksand – because the more you struggle, the deeper you sink – and the more you struggle.  Very much a no-win situation.  Our thoughts and feelings can dominate our lives.

Mindfulness skills

By noticing thoughts rather than being caught up in them, letting our thoughts come and go and seeing if we can create some distance or separation from them is a mindfulness approach - a skill to learn to use.

Firstly we can put the thought into a short sentence … “ I’m no good at..” and then for 10 or so seconds believe it as much as we can. Next we can add  a few extra words “ I’m having the thought that I’m no good at…..”  Lastly, we add a bit more “I notice that I’m having the thought that I’m no good at….”

In mindfulness meditation and mindfulness activities we don’t try to make the thought or belief go away. The focus is on noticing when the mind wanders, to the thoughts,  which it will naturally do. We don’t let it play the same story over and over again but we continue, every time we notice it has wandered, to bring our attention back to the present moment, being aware without judgement of our breath, our surroundings, any sensations we can feel, hear, touch…

Neuroplasticity

Because of the brain’s plasticity we can ‘ grow’ new brain circuits, new neural pathways but it requires effort. Not the effort of the struggle to control and make feelings and thoughts go away but the effort of not giving into the feelings and thoughts. A neuroplasticity approach is when a feeling or thought you don’t want  to be stuck in comes along then you are DO something that is pleasurable for you- whatever that it is. When we do something we enjoy dopamine is released in the body, we feel good and it acts like a reward, it also consolidates and helps connect new neural pathways. As we continue to act in this way this new pathway becomes stronger, and competes with the previous way of responding and eventually wins out as the other weakens because it’s not being used. The  saying ‘use or lose it’ applies and in this case we lose a habit and a neural pathway that is no-longer wanted.

 You might like to have a look at the video “Passengers on a Bus”, a metaphor used to show how to effectively deal with difficult thoughts and feelings. 

"We don't so much break bad habits as replace bad behaviours with better ones" Norman Doidge