Self Compassion in Relationships

Much of our suffering arises in relationship with others, as we are all different, have differing opinions and needs and life experiences that shape who we are. There are two types of relational pain; one is the pain that arises when someone you care about is suffering (pain of connection), the other comes from experiencing loss or rejection and feeling hurt, angry or alone (pain of disconnection).

Downward Spiral of Negative Emotions 

 Our capacity for emotional resonance means that emotions are contagious. Our brains communicate emotions to one another and this is regardless about how carefully we might choose our words.  For example, if some- if you are annoyed with your partner, and you try to hide it your partner or friend can still pick up on your feeling of being annoyed and might even ask, “ Are you angry at me?” Even if you deny it, they will feel the irritation, which will affect their mood and their tone of voice. You then feel this, in turn, so you become more annoyed, and your responses will have a harsher tone, and so it goes on. Other people are partly responsible for our state of mind, and we are also partly responsible for their state of mind.

Close Connections with Others start with Feeling Connected to Ourselves

Self- compassion can interrupt a downward spiral and an upward spiral can start instead. If we can direct positive feelings of compassion to ourselves for the pain we are feeling in the moment, this will also be felt by another- and will show in our tone of voice and subtle facial expressions- and help to interrupt the negative cycle. Cultivating self- compassion is one of the best things we can do for our relationship interactions as well as for ourselves. When we meet our own needs of love and acceptance, we can place fewer needs on our partners, allowing them to be more fully themselves. Self- compassion gives us the resilience we need to build and sustain healthy relationships in our lives. Research shows self- compassionate people having happier and more satisfying romantic relationships, with partners being given more freedom and autonomy in their relationships.

EXERCISE: Self- Compassion Break in Relationship Conflicts

• Next time you are in a negative interaction with someone, try using the Self- Compassion Break. Start by saying silently to yourself: “ This is a moment of suffering” or “ This hurts”- saying something to acknowledge how you are feeling, then reflecting on the common humanity aspect saying “Suffering is part of any relationship” or “ There are others just like me”,  and then directing some kindness to yourself because of the pain you are feeling saying “ May I be kind to myself” or “ May I be strong”. It can help to use some kind of supportive touch, placing your hand on your heart or elsewhere, or using a subtle form of touch by holding your own hand and feeling the warmth.
• Before re-engaging with the other person, try practicing Giving and Receiving Compassion to maintain your caring attitude. Breathe in for yourself, acknowledging the pain you are feeling in the moment, then breathe out for the other. Make sure you fully validate your own pain and give yourself what you need as well as honouring the struggle of the other person.
• Notice how the state of mind of the other person may change as your own state of mind changes.

Testimonials

Bronwyn has been a great deal of help to me over the past few months. With her counsel I was able to work through and understand a difficult situation that has troubled me for years.  Her methods, compassion, listening skills, and empathy are a huge resource and benefit.  Using qigong, mindfulness and meditation was the perfect way to end a consultation leaving me in a calm and peaceful state.  I was very grateful to Bronwyn that she was able to travel to me, as I am unable to drive.  I can and do highly recommend Bronwyn as a counsellor and am very thankful for all that she has done for me.

Middle aged female client – June 2018

Bronwyn's counselling has a gentle approach but with a strong applicable outcome.

The method used can appear to be 'playful', nevertheless inwardly it has a serious point. Together this leads to a non-judgemental understanding and the healing sets in. There is nothing to worry or to be concerned about. Such a natural stress relief and letting go of distorted past memories has empowered me to move on with my life. And doing only the sessions that are needed, are a bonus as well.

Middle aged male client – December 2017

After attending only 5 Counselling sessions with Bronwyn in 2017 my mental health had improved. I credit this to her unique approach of combining art therapies with the more traditional talking therapy. Stimulating both the intuitive and rational sides of my brain. Her insightful questions and eco-mapping of my family history also helped me to understand myself better. I would recommend this to anyone, as no artistic skill is necessary, and her approach is considerate and flexible.

Middle aged male client – September 2017

At my first meeting with Bronwyn in March she quickly identified the potential reason for my acute onset of anxiety.

She knew nothing about me however could see the distress I was in and offered to support and guide me through my distress.

I immediately felt comfortable, safe and secure with Bronwyn and started my sessions 2 days later. After 3 sessions with Bronwyn she helped me overcome and rid myself of the anxiety using mindfulness, meditation, homework sessions and more importantly creating a family tree. The family tree helped me to understand why my anxiety had suddenly presented itself without warning.Bronwyn has been very supportive and is a compassionate, caring, empathetic and understanding lady.

Thank you Bronwyn, so very much appreciated.

Middle aged female client – June 2017

I met Bronwyn when I was at a very low ebb. I had just lost my husband…, my best friend too,  after nearly 50 years of marriage and felt so alone. As my grief counsellor she visited me weekly for ten weeks and it was a big help. I also kept a diary which also helped me. Thank you. 

Elderly female client  April 2016

Counselling took away a lot of stress, depression, anxiety and I became more observant and happier. Counselling helped me find out how I should handle things and it was good to talk about how I feel. 

Teenage female- November 2016

Counselling helped me realise what I was thinking.

Teenager male – November 2016

The pain of losing a loved one.

“Major losses are the most personal and emotional happenings that we can experience.” (Harvey)

Losing a loved one through death, divorce, or separation; losing our health or mobility through illness or accident;  or losing our job are on some way similar to losing part of ourselves: the self we were before the loss- we feel the pain of the losing something that was intimately connected to our lives, whether it was good or bad. We  wonder why? why me? why them? We think ‘its not fair’, ‘What did I/ they do wrong?’ 

Out of balance 

Recently I attended a funeral. The news of the death of friend’s husband came as a shock, it was unexpected, it brought disbelief and great sadness. He was not that old. It made me think of my own mortality and meaning of life. For some attending the funeral it was even more difficult bringing back memories and feelings of the loss of their own loved one. Some can find they are not yet ready to revisit - it’s just too painful, the wounds of grief are not healed enough, not yet. Grief is a normal response to loss but it affects our whole being- our feelings, thoughts, attitudes, behaviour with others, even our health and bodily symptoms are affected, every aspect of our life is thrown out of balance. We ask ourselves, “Are these feelings and emotions normal?" "Am i going crazy?”

Fish in the sea

Life is not going to be same again. We feel pain, hurt, loss. There’s a sense of aloneness and abandonment.

We find things to distract us, we can travel, drink alcohol excessively, use drugs, and make sure we are busy- anything to block and avoid the pain we feel. We wonder how we will cope and what to do. Well- meaning  friends tell us,  “You’ll get over it”, “ You need to move on”, “There’s more fish in the sea”,  “Time heals all’, ‘You’ll be ok”, “Be strong”. 

And what if we don’t openly expressing our grief then others say, “Are they alright?”

Does it end?

The healing process can’t be hurried, there is no simple formula, no escape, it’s a personal journey that takes time and patience, toward learning to accept and live with the loss, even make meaning of it, not for closure but to be able to assimilate and accomodate to the loss. Grief will always be present but as the pain lessens the waves of grief will come less often and will be less powerful.

"The pain returns, but I can remember the in- between times better". (adult widow)

Some counselling techniques I've used to assist the healing process.

Secrets of the Heart

This exercise was used as a way to continue to feel a connection to our loved one through writing a short note to our loved one about our thoughts or feelings of love, speaking from our heart. An origami heart was made and the note placed inside. The heart can be carried with us in our wallet or kept somewhere special.

Mindfulness

Learning to practice the skill of mindfulness can allow grief to be experienced with less struggle and attempts at escape. Your attention can be brought to focus on bodily sensations, such as the experience of sitting, parts of the body supported by the chair, the floor, your breath.  Attention can also be taken outward to notice the taste of your food, the sound of a bird, the colour of the sky, a breeze or sensations in your feet as you walk. Paying attention to pleasant and unpleasant experiences can be grounding, give you a moment, however momentary, to directly experience being alive, in a relationship with the surrounding environment, to unwind and be open to a new way of being with yourself and others.

Letter Writing

Some clients, as a homework exercise, have been encouraged to write a letter to their loved one, telling them how they felt about losing them and how they are going now  In the following session the client has read out part of the letter or just talked about how it was to write the letter and if there were any insights they wanted to share. The client is then asked to write a letter from the loved one in response to the initial letter. This way feeling are expressed and become more integrated. 

“ Grief is the price we pay for being able to love the way we do”