The pain of losing a loved one.

“Major losses are the most personal and emotional happenings that we can experience.” (Harvey)

Losing a loved one through death, divorce, or separation; losing our health or mobility through illness or accident;  or losing our job are on some way similar to losing part of ourselves: the self we were before the loss- we feel the pain of the losing something that was intimately connected to our lives, whether it was good or bad. We  wonder why? why me? why them? We think ‘its not fair’, ‘What did I/ they do wrong?’ 

Out of balance 

Recently I attended a funeral. The news of the death of friend’s husband came as a shock, it was unexpected, it brought disbelief and great sadness. He was not that old. It made me think of my own mortality and meaning of life. For some attending the funeral it was even more difficult bringing back memories and feelings of the loss of their own loved one. Some can find they are not yet ready to revisit - it’s just too painful, the wounds of grief are not healed enough, not yet. Grief is a normal response to loss but it affects our whole being- our feelings, thoughts, attitudes, behaviour with others, even our health and bodily symptoms are affected, every aspect of our life is thrown out of balance. We ask ourselves, “Are these feelings and emotions normal?" "Am i going crazy?”

Fish in the sea

Life is not going to be same again. We feel pain, hurt, loss. There’s a sense of aloneness and abandonment.

We find things to distract us, we can travel, drink alcohol excessively, use drugs, and make sure we are busy- anything to block and avoid the pain we feel. We wonder how we will cope and what to do. Well- meaning  friends tell us,  “You’ll get over it”, “ You need to move on”, “There’s more fish in the sea”,  “Time heals all’, ‘You’ll be ok”, “Be strong”. 

And what if we don’t openly expressing our grief then others say, “Are they alright?”

Does it end?

The healing process can’t be hurried, there is no simple formula, no escape, it’s a personal journey that takes time and patience, toward learning to accept and live with the loss, even make meaning of it, not for closure but to be able to assimilate and accomodate to the loss. Grief will always be present but as the pain lessens the waves of grief will come less often and will be less powerful.

"The pain returns, but I can remember the in- between times better". (adult widow)

Some counselling techniques I've used to assist the healing process.

Secrets of the Heart

This exercise was used as a way to continue to feel a connection to our loved one through writing a short note to our loved one about our thoughts or feelings of love, speaking from our heart. An origami heart was made and the note placed inside. The heart can be carried with us in our wallet or kept somewhere special.

Mindfulness

Learning to practice the skill of mindfulness can allow grief to be experienced with less struggle and attempts at escape. Your attention can be brought to focus on bodily sensations, such as the experience of sitting, parts of the body supported by the chair, the floor, your breath.  Attention can also be taken outward to notice the taste of your food, the sound of a bird, the colour of the sky, a breeze or sensations in your feet as you walk. Paying attention to pleasant and unpleasant experiences can be grounding, give you a moment, however momentary, to directly experience being alive, in a relationship with the surrounding environment, to unwind and be open to a new way of being with yourself and others.

Letter Writing

Some clients, as a homework exercise, have been encouraged to write a letter to their loved one, telling them how they felt about losing them and how they are going now  In the following session the client has read out part of the letter or just talked about how it was to write the letter and if there were any insights they wanted to share. The client is then asked to write a letter from the loved one in response to the initial letter. This way feeling are expressed and become more integrated. 

“ Grief is the price we pay for being able to love the way we do”