“The extent to which two people in a relationship can bring up and resolve issues is a critical marker of the soundness of a relationship.”
Relationships are not easy
We all want to feel happy and feel loved. However, we know from science that opposites attract, so often couples can have quite different ways of thinking and behaving. Each can have different background experiences that influence their way of thinking and acting, and then there is just the flow of life, with the good and not so good times that test out relationships.
Often couples come to counselling as a last resort wondering if their marriage can be saved. There’s often a lot of tension, anger and frustration expressed as each feels not heard or understood.
Some counsellors are hesitant to work with couples. I find the combination of using expressive arts, mindfulness and self compassion as well as some psychotherapy to explore early childhood experiences and intergenerational patterns to be an effective approach to help with relationship issues. I usually see each of the couple individually first to get their story and then see both together and following that some individual and joint sessions as needed.
A picture says a 1000 words
When there is anger and frustration it can difficult to just use words to explain what is happening.
In joint counselling sessions I've found that having each person create a visual picture using symbols/ miniatures that each chooses to represent different times and aspects of their relationship can bring about common understanding as to what the other person is thinking and wanting in a way that words alone could not do.
“What we resist persists”
Mindfulness and self- compassion also help to transform many of our personal relationships for the better. But it does require allowing the inevitable pain in the relationship to be felt and known.
The instinct to push away pain is hardwired. We don’t like pain and discomfort so we try to get rid of it using different means- ignoring it, fighting it, numbing it out. However, fighting what we are uneasy about only makes things worse. The more we accept anxiety, physical discomfort, and the pain of disconnection, the better off we will be. It’s said “When you resist something it goes to the basement and lifts weights!” The more we can try to remain open to emotional pain and breath kindness and gentleness into it the more we can discover the transformative power of self- compassion.
When we are in conflict with another we can become absorbed in the struggle to be seen by the other and seek validation for the pain the other has caused. If we can redirect our attention and compassionately respond to our own suffering first and then listen to our partner's suffering this is a better way forward.
Intergenerational patterns - "happy genes" account for half our happiness, circumstances - 10% and 40% is based on intentional activity.
How we treat ourselves depends in part of how we were treated as children. Being aware of how our past experiences have shaped us, helps to get in contact with the deeper meaning of our present day experience. Knowing the details of our lives can help us come to know and accept our core emotional habits and how they’ve played out in our lives.
The influence of both genetics and a difficult childhood can be softened if we relate to moment to moment experience with more mindfulness and greater compassion.
To be happy in a relationship the pain buried in our heart, mind and body needs to seen, heard and understood not only by another but by ourselves. This means that occasionally we many need to put aside our own needs and validate the experience of the other. Self compassion for yourselves and others is a vital ingredient in maintaining a healthy relationship.
The self- compassion break is a short meditation that you might like to try.
